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Anadaric's Joke of The Day


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#21
Lemac

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The Following Are All Actual Quotes From 11-Year-Olds’ Science Exams:

 

* “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
* “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
* “When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”

* “H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

* “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”

* “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
* “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
* “The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -a, e, i, o and u.”
* “Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
* “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
* “For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.”
* “For Fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”
* “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
* “The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
* “Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

* “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

* “To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

* “To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”
 



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#22
kingthero

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lol



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#23
Anadaric

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" Sometimes it's nice to take a ride to clear your head." - John F. Kennedy

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#24
HuMann

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Dark

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#25
Anadaric

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Dark

I am very dark. Haha.

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#26
Lemac

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These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds)... and yes, they will breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important.
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids.
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true.)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
(Asian answer!)
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'.
A. The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable.)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight! 



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#27
Lemac

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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump.......



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#28
HuMann

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The previous post sounds like some words were misheard or mistyped/written

He saved her, intentionally or not

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#29
Anadaric

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I got a new stick of deodorant today....

 

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

 

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.



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#30
Lemac

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A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

 

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

 

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

 

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

 

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

 

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

 



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#31
HuMann

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This real?

Seems too sexual

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#32
Anadaric

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What did the angry electron say when it was repelled?

Let me atom!

I tell chemistry jokes because I have nitrogen and oxygen, and lithium and iron.

NO LiFe.

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#33
kingthero

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Should cut it off at 3rd line and it woulda been funnier



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#34
Tobiash

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?

" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"

"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"



#35
Tobiash

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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.



#36
Tobiash

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Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy".

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".



#37
Tobiash

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Pragmatic Wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.



#38
Tobiash

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Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
Husband: "Absolutely not,"
Wife: "How Sweet!"
Husband: "The season's more than half over!"



#39
St Mungo

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An old one from Scotland :big_boss:

 

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for.
 

Medicare Part G.

:lol:

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney,
lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
 
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
 
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
 
Is this a great country or what? :blink:
 
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week! :D


#40
Anadaric

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At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled, "Will all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living"

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

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